"Que serà, serà..." : welcome to jail.

9th March 2020.

We’re officially locked in. Lombardy and other regions of northern Italy have been sealed to prevent this f***ing virus from spreading… but of course, we’re Italy and we can’t do things responsibly. Someone leaked the decision to put northern Italy in quarantine a couple of hours before the government decree would start being effective, and the result was that THOUSANDS of people managed to escape south. I’m beyond mad at the moment. My immune system doesn’t work, I take drugs that put it to sleep twice a day. I’m a high risk patient, and even if I joke about it and I pretend I don’t care, I know that if I get infected things will become nasty super fast. Seeing people taking decisions with their asses, risking the health of their relatives and friends, makes me sick; once again I have the proof that people only think for themselves and for it is good for them.

I can’t work anymore, I’ve been at home for 2 weeks now, and another month of quarantine is waiting for me. I simply can’t concentrate at home, because I’ve always identified my home as the absolute absence of PhD student life troubles, so I don’t know how I’ll cope with having a thesis and an article to write. But apart from this, I don’t think people realize how stressful and deleterious a month of quarantine could be for someone already struggling with anxiety and depression. With time I’ve understood that even if I don’t like social contacts AT ALL, I need them to become a healthier person and overcome my fears. Knowing that I’ll be stuck at home for a month with just my family is making me so nervous. The wifi doesn’t work tonight, and my inner bitch is giving her best with my parents for no reason in particular, as it’s not their fault. I wonder what will happen in a few days…

At the same time, a constant thought drills my brain: now that I have a lot of spare time, maybe I could start practicing violin again, or I could learn to draw, I could read a book and watch these movies… and I already know I won’t do any of this. I simply know it; I always end up staring at my laptop for hours, worrying because I’m not studying enough, and at some point I look at the clock and 4 hours have passed.

As always, in these times of uncertainty, only music can keep me company. During my A levels in high school, I went through a period similar to this. I felt lonely and hopeless. My love for The Cure wasn’t as strong as it is now, but during that period it blossomed, because in the absolute silence I was experiencing, their songs started talking with my soul. One particular day I remember that I listened to the whole Disintegration album on my balcony, looking at the sky and making each word mine. During Untitled, I started crying, and I felt that if such sadness could sound so pure, maybe even the emptiness I was feeling could be useful in the end. After Disintegration, I listened to Faith (not the whole album, just the title track), I cried A LOT more. When I got back inside, I was feeling lighter than ever, and ready to face what was about to come. That’s why Disintegration and Faith are my two favourite albums ever, and no one will ever top them. When albums get inside your soul, it becomes almost impossible to get them out.

my two favourite babies. Disintegration was also the very first Cure CD I bought; one day I hope to have it signed by Robert... it would be a very simbolic thing for me.

It’s been a while since I listened to Disintegration. Recently I’ve been completely absorbed by Pinguini Tattici Nucleari, an Italian band that is making me fall in love again… but this post is already too long and melodramatic to add anything else, hahahah. Maybe it’s time to pull off the shelf  my Disintegration CD, shut up and brace myself.

“Que serà, serà…”